Surreal

I finally got to go to my own church yesterday. With summer....comes a lot of travel and different activities, which makes it hard to make it to church every Sunday. Well, Garry and Cindy were in Indiana and Mark was resting his back. So, it was just the kids and me. Aydan screamed as soon as I brought them in the the nursery, but Charly did just fine. I left right away and Aydan didn't cry too long after that.
I sat by myself at church and I actually quite enjoy that. It is sort of my "solitude" time. Just God and me. And I don't get enough of that. Well, this particular Sunday, the pastor told us how his father in law had passed away the day before. His wife, was with family and he read and excerpt from something she had wrote to say good bye to her dad.
It really made me well up with tears. I never knew the man, but I think it just brought me back to my grandpa dying. Not to mention the fact that I can't imagine losing any of my parents, and I completely empathize with anyone losing theirs.
Well, I never really got to say good bye to my grandpa. Well, and more to the fact that I haven't let myself grieve at all. Life has kept me swimming lately...and at the funeral when I normally would have been focusing on grandpa's life and letting myself grieve over his death....I was chasing two kids around and wasn't able to pay attention at all.
I did walk up to the casket and say my good bye and I began to cry at that point, but I just sucked it back up because I had the two kids to tend to.
I just never let myself grieve. It really does have to be a conscious decision....which is odd.
I was going through my phone looking for a number today and found grandpa's number. I didn't delete it yet...but I know that I need to.
A person that has been a part of my life since the beginning, has died. Hopefully he is with my grandma and they are enjoying themselves.