Really Random Thoughts

Well, no laundry today. I am really happy that I got all of it done yesterday.
Aydan has learned to get on the top bunk of the bed that I don't have a guard on yet. This should be fun trying to keep him down from it all day.
Powdered donuts are oddly addictive.
I'm listening to Erykah Badu in the background. I am hoping she has a calming effect on my day.
I start work in 20 minutes. Today should be fairly smooth.
My stomach hurts now from the donuts:(
My mind is still reeling from two crazy shows last night - Intervention and Hoarders. Amazing how people can get.
I need to get back to running. I had gotten on a pretty good schedule, but had gotten thrown off track and now I need to push through and get to it again.
I am really hoping Mark feels better today. He has had trouble getting over this cold/migraine/sinus infection deal that he has had. No fun:(
The kids are running back and forth from the living room and their room. They really do play well together most of the time.
I should open the shades, but it looks like it is going to be a gloomy day anyway...so it can wait.
It is the 1st of December, I guess that means that it is time to pay some bills. I hope my check comes in the mail today...sometimes it is late.
I cut Aydan's hair for the first time the other day. He looks like a little tough guy now;)
I just cut my fingernails. I feel much better now.
I just changed Peyten's diaper. She feels much better now.
I can't believe I haven't published this post yet. I started it 2 hours ago. I have paid my bills in the meantime and got some work stuff done...I guess that is good.
This is one of those days that I didn't eat a good enough breakfast, so I was starving at 9:30, so I went ahead and made one piece of toast with an over easy egg over the top. It hit the spot.
I really could use a shower right now, but really...I should try and run first and then shower...but, I have to let my food settle...oh, the excuses!!
I cleaned out my purse before I paid my bills. That felt good.
Charly just came crying to me and said that brother hurt her nose and she needed a hug. I gave her a hug and she said "mom, you give the BEST hugs in the whole world!". Awe:)
I suppose this is enough random thoughts for the day...I will shut my brain off now.

Tired or Depressed?

I can't tell the difference between tired and depressed anymore, but I really don't think it matters to be honest with you. I have been feeling emotionally drained. And not really for any particular reason. Actually, this is the best life has been going in a while. Well, it always goes good, but I have the least amount of reasons to stress right now. With the holidays coming up ...and figuring out money issues is always a stresser, but nothing too new. I have three wonderful kids that make me laugh on a daily basis...and make me want to scream on a daily basis. I have a wonderful husband that always goes the extra mile to make sure that I am ok and that he is there for me no matter what.
I think the main trigger for my sluggish behavior is hormones. I hate to blame everything on hormones, but even 3 month post delivery...I think my body is still trying to get back on track. Plus, little Peyten has been a bit more hungry lately, so my body is also adjusting to that. I have been sooo hungry lately. Just wanting to eat everything site. And since I still have ten more pounds to lose, I try and find a balance between eating enough to help my milk supply, but not too much to gain more weight. It is kind of tiring having to worry about it. Long gone are the days when I can just forget to eat and then later on say "why did I get drunk so fast?...aah, I haven't eaten anything since that bagel for breakfast!". No, now I must be a responsible adult. Pop is my vice. Mark has been bringing it in to the house and I "splurge" with a glass here and there. And yes, I love to eat, but the last couple of years have been a job to eat - to either keep baby healthy in the womb or while breastfeeding. What a great way to stay healthy - stop smoking, drinking, eating too much crap - then to have babies for the last 4 years.
I guess I see the end of the road ahead. Like my life has been put on hold for 4 years. Now, that was a horrible transition...in no ways do I intend to going back to smoking, drinking, and eating crap. I intend to keep my habits the same, but other aspects of my life I feel I can concentrate on now. Maybe even figure out my long term future. Whether it be to stay in this work-at-home environment or if it is to open my own restaurant. Who knows...but now that the babies are all popped out, I can start to plan for what is to come.
So maybe really the reason for my malaise is really just a big mental exhale. "One chapter done...let's gear up for the next chapter." Maybe this next chapter will be easier. Who knows. It really doesn't matter if it is easy or hard. It is my life, and I truly love my life. Everything it entails has made me who I am and I am quite pleased with myself so far. I can always improve, but that is a constant. I am growing and learning always, I think I just need a little break from all that. A little breather.
The last couple nights I have fallen asleep in front of the tv at about 9 or so. Well, shortly after Peyten goes to sleep, I turn on the tv to "relax" and the next thing I know, its morning. Mark comes in and turns the tv off at some point I guess. Usually I stay up until 11 or so. I guess my body has just been needing the extra sleep. I will take it. I really could use a vacation, but I don't think that is in the cards for a bit.
Well, the sun is up now and I should get started on work. I already finished cleaning up the kitchen, moved some laundry and picked up the living room. Hopefully today is kind of quiet. I could use a little "me time". As much as I try and deny this fact - I have to schedule "me time" - I still can't get used to that for some reason. When you are a wife and a mother, you can't just take time for yourself whenever you want, and that is ok. It just takes some getting used to. Mark is home with the kids most days, but sometimes he has interviews, errands, or is working a security job - so, I have to plan when I can get that time for myself in. And fitting that in with work makes it hard too. Work time, family time, one on one time, me time - it is hard to always find a balance.
Ok, time to make another cup of tea and get started on that work I talked about...

2 month pictures;)

I can't help but compare, it is too fun!
I wish I had one of Aydan smiling from that time, but I guess he was going through a "serious" phase:) And I remember just "barely" catching the smiling picture of Charly.

Charly MarieAydan Michael Peyten Michelle

Bucket List

I guess you can call this my bucket list. I think I wrote the list shortly after Mark and I were married. I have a long way to go in completing it!! I came across the list not too long ago and had completely forgotten that I wrote it. But, I would say it is a pretty good list of my "to do's" that I would like to accomplish:)

1. Have 3 kids
2. Travel cross country on a motorcycle - someday! when we can afford a bike and Mark's back is better.
3. Grow a garden
4. Maintain a garden
5. Get good at remembering birthdays - getting there!
6. Catch a fish - I keep trying;)
7. Sky dive
8. Have monthly dinner parties - I could probably start doing this even a budget and a small house?
9. Have a large dining room table 8, 10, or 12 chairs - have to wait for a bigger house;)
10. Have a six pack - ok, this is a pipe dream! but, i will settle to know that somewhere under the flab is a six pack;)
11. Fill a wine rack - kind of hard to fill a rack, when you want to drink and enjoy the wine!
12. Run or walk a marathon - this would probably be pretty attainable
13. Find a hobby - any suggestions! baby making was a "hobby" for a while...but done with that one!;)
14. Take a train to NY and eat
15. Renew my wedding vows somewhere tropical
16. Go on a guilt free honeymoon
17. Fix up a classic car - preferably a Nova
18. Have a wardrobe that I like everything in it - lose weight, THAN buy wardrobe. lol
19. Design my own kitchen - I've got the ideas, just need the space and money;)
20. Have a house in the country
21. Learn to ski or snowboard - seriously, I haven't done this yet???
22. Make something to be passed down to generations - I am sure this will end up being a recipe or something;)
23. Go white water rafting - I can picture taking the kids when they are older, wouldn't that be fun!?
24. Have a 50th wedding anniversary. - Well, this is a sure thing..just have to wait 45 years!:)

Control has many definitions

Most of my days are challenging. Big surprise. We have three kids under the age of three. But, I must say, we have been getting better at all of this.
I was reading back on some of my older blogs and it isn't hard for me to remember how many days I had that were filled with anxiety and stress. Those days are fewer and farther between. Now, I have more "moments" within a day that are stressful, rather than whole days. Some times the kids will be pushing my every button over and over again, and I have to remind myself that I am in control.
See, it took a certain little girl to show Mark and I just how much color we actually have;) Yes, it can be quite humbling when you see traits of yourself in your daughter that you chose to ignore about yourself up until that point. Anger. Frustration. Screaming. Yeah...not so pretty coming from a 3 year old. Well, not so pretty at all. When the kids were so young, it is so easy to let out frustration "loudly". Kids don't know any better, right? Yeah....
Well, we have really been trying to curb our anger and frustration. It so easily comes out, it is crazy. It still amazes me that I haven't learned to do this before. But, I guess when you don't have someone or something pushing your buttons every minute of every day, well...you just don't have to deal with the anger and frustration so much.
One thing that I have realized is that my frustration comes from my need to control. There is no way that I can "control" my children. Well, not on the scale that most people would love to be able to do. What I mean, is that I can control my children by working with them. But, when I try and control them just by demanding things is when the frustration kicks in. No child wants to be barked at all day long...just as I wouldn't want to be barked at all day long.
Taking a step back and prioritizing my day differently, has helped me not be so frustrated. Letting go of some of that control over my own life, helps me deal with "controlling" the kids better.
Sometimes I want to get work done first then read a story - for instance. But, really when the kids want some attention, sometimes it is best to tend to them and then it is easier to get the work done after.
Sometimes they play great all by themselves in their bedroom...sometimes they do not. Sometimes it is a lot of me running back and forth from the computer to the bedroom to see what might have gotten broken, what mess was made, or who got hurt. This can be frustrating - starting a project on the computer and having to stop every minute to see what is going on.
BUT, if I take just 5 minutes out and play with them in their room to get them going on some different tasks, than going back to my computer after that is much easier. Most things that happen with work aren't so "urgent" that I can't take 5 minutes out.
Also, I have really gotten scheduling down better. It is a rough schedule, because kids can be unpredictable, but breakfast is anywhere from 7-8 in the morning. Toons for a couple hours in the morning - depending. Aydan usually naps at 9am. Lunch is anywhere from 11-12. Movie time is after lunch. And at 2pm, both kids go down for a nap together. Dinner is between 5 and 6. And we start getting ready for bed at 7:30 and they are both in bed at 8pm. They seem to both really like having a schedule and I have been trying to stick with it. I think it keeps them a tad more even keeled. Although, Aydan is still Mr. Fussybutt sometimes. But, we cut him a little slack because he can't talk yet;)
So, it has been a slow process and I am still working on curbing my temper. I have to remember that I am a "teacher" first and a "disciplinarian" second. And for both my kids, a kind sweet voice seems to get better results than a loud angry voice. Go figure.
After all, we ALL are learning how to build this family together.
At the end of the day, I just try and remind myself that each day is a blessing and if every minute of the day doesn't go the way I want it to, that is ok. And I should actually just enjoy being able to set back and watch my kids scream and bounce off walls and truly enjoy their lives.

Burst

Some days I just love my family so much, I feel like my heart is going to burst out of my chest. It is a tad painful, but that really good pain;)
Some people worry about how to "divide" their love between their growing family, but I just worry about how my heart can handle "doubling" so many times;) I find it so amazing how differently I love each member of my family. All in good ways. They are all so different that I love them for different reasons. I love watching my kids grow and develop these little personalities that can only be their own.

Mark - is starting a job today. He is working security. He is also waiting to hear back about a part time sales job. So, we will see what pans out and where God wants him.
His back is still hurting him a lot. He had gotten some shots, which may have helped a little. But, I think he has come to terms with the fact that he is going to be in pain for a long time. He was also diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. This is a bit scary because you really don't know how bad it will get. Right now his leg hurts pretty bad and we think that it is from the arthritis.
He is getting around ok and working through it as he usually does. The doctor wanted Mark on his back for a long time, but really that just wasn't possible for Mark - he was going nuts. He couldn't help but get up and help with the kids and household stuff.
We talked about getting him on disability, but we just didn't want to go that route as of yet. We will see how the next couple of years go. He really does need back surgery, but our insurance doesn't cover it for some strange odd reason that I will never understand. But, right now, we just put our lives and health in the hands of God. We know he is watching over us and has a plan.

Kari - I can't say a whole lot about me. I am in good health. And with so many people around me having problems, I say that is a huge blessing. I still have both of my jobs. Although I am still not raking in the hours as much with my second job. Less money, but more time with family which has been very helpful. I think we needed it......more than the money.
I am not pregnant, and I don't plan to be. I got the IUD, which should last me for 10 years for birth control. And score, it was covered by my insurance (there was a mishap and I thought it might not have been), so all in all, it cost me 25 dollars. Not bad for ten years of not getting prego;)
I am trying to change my eating habits...a little. I just try and eat smaller meals throughout the day. I probably end up eating 5 or 6 meals, but it isn't as much food at each one. I think my body likes that regimen better. I am also trying to run. I will run a mile around my neighborhood. I try and go every day, but it doesn't always work out. Running with three kids is nearly impossible, so I have to run while Mark is home. And that has to coincide with work not being busy, Peyten not needing to be fed, etc etc. Too many variables, but I have been doing good. Every little bit counts. And at least a quick run is well...quick. I wouldn't be able to spend an hour at the gym. It would be nice, but just not practical right now in my life. I have 17 pounds to shed. I know it will eventually come off, I just have to be patient.

Charly - Oh, my Charly. She is a riot. Her imagination just goes wild most days. I don't even know where she comes up with the stories she does. She is strong and independent. She doesn't like to take no for an answer and she isn't afraid to give me her opinion. All qualities that will one day yes, be great for her. Just not so good for mom and dad while she is 3;) But, we work together and seem to do ok.
We had trouble with bed time for a while. That girl would get out of bed at least 3-5 times each night. Sometimes in a 2 hour span of time. It was very frustrating. Especially when she would wake up her brother. But, with a helpful hint from my mom, we implemented a chart system. She gets a sticker for each bed time task and then she gets a sticker in the morning if she stays in bed all night, plus a piece of candy. We will fade out the candy eventually, but right now it all is going smooth...so we will stick with that for now;) It has been about a week and a half with her not getting out of bed at all.
She still loves all things girly. She loves to pick out her outfit (she usually chooses a skirt or dress) and then she likes to put on a headband and "fancy" shoes. And she will walk around with her purse. Sometimes she puts on a necklace, bracelet, or watch. She loves anything pink and if it has a flower or two on it, even better. And she always is asking me if she can put on "lips".
Yeah, for the last four or five days, she has been wearing the same pink socks. She loves those socks. Don't worry, I did get them washed at least once in that time;)

Aydan - Oh, that boys personality is coming out all BOY! He is so rough with Daddy, but then he is so gentle with Peyten. And he can cuddle with the best of them. He likes to hold on to a blanket while cuddling. With Charly, they seem to have their own language. Most of the time they play really well together, but they have had their punching matches. And tug of wars... You get the picture.
He still isn't talking a whole lot, but he is getting better at communicating. As more words come in, I think we will see less temper tantrums on the floor. He is really good at saying "no", "mom", "dad", "help", "uh uh", and "car". And he has probably 20 other words that he can say, but are harder to understand. "hot", "please", "thank you", "your welcome", "sister", "milk"...I can't think of anything else right now. It is pretty random when he busts out a word. He also says complete phrases and waits for a response, but we have no idea what he is saying;)
He has quite a sense of humor. He is very tricky and knows exactly what he is doing. He will give you this sly smile when he is doing something he knows he shouldn't. Or will wait until your back is turned and smile.
He loves to help in the kitchen. If you are in the kitchen for more than 30 seconds, he is right there pushing his little chair up to the counter to get a look. And if you move to the other counter, he will get down and push his chair over there. He likes to open the drawer I have all the spices in and take them out and stack them up. Charly likes helping in the kitchen too, so we usually have both of them in there, but he is definitely the most eager;)

Peyten - Oh, this girl is so easy. And I say that knowing it might jinx us. But, she sleeps so good! She goes to bed around 10pm or so and wakes up around 8am. Sometimes it varies of course, but that is about the average. This is the most sleep I have gotten in 3 years! Since Charly and Aydan both would wake up during the night for the first year...or 2. But, Peyten takes nice long naps during the day too. We aren't quite on a "schedule" yet, but getting there. She hardly cries. And when she does it is for a reason. You pick her up, she stops. Or she is hungry or needs to be changed. She doesn't use a pacifier at all.
And this girl smiles so much! It doesn't take much to get her smiling and she smiles so much I swear a laugh is going to come out. It truly will melt your heart.
She is strictly breastfeeding right now. We have to get her used to a bottle soon, but will do in time. She is gaining weight, but I am not sure how much she weighs right now. I do know that she is growing out of her newborn/0-3 month clothes and I think the next batch of diapers we buy will be size 2 or 3.
She loves to be rocked and we spend a lot of time in the glider with her, but she also likes to chill in her bouncy and watch what is going on.

Gentleman

Yesterday I was rocking Peyten to sleep in the living room. Aydan was standing next to the rocker drinking some water. He was patiently waiting while watching tv.
I got up and took Peyten down to our bedroom, which I have to step over a gate because we leave it blocked off for Aydan.
Aydan followed me down the hall. I put Peyten in her bassinet and went to leave the room.
Aydan reached his hand toward me and said "help". I took his hand, and he helped me step over the gate.
Then he ran down the hall to the living room and pointed to the chair and said "sit".
I sat down and he crawled up on my lap.
It was too cute;)
He's starting to get some words down...well, words that we can understand!

Great day

It is always a good day, when I get to hang out with my family. Today I just hung out with my two daughters. I forgot to bring my camera which was disappointing. I did take some pictures on my phone, but I figured out that I can't download those to my computers, so such is life.
First stop: Bank
I had to get a little cash out and of course Charly asked for a sucker;) She knows as soon as we pull in to ask for one. The lady didn't have any suckers, but she did have some tootsie rolls, so Charly got one of those and was quite happy.
Second stop: Target
I had a gift card to use and I thought we would browse around a little. First we sat in the van though, and I fed Peyten. Charly sat in the drivers seat and pretended to drive. She had to put her tootsie roll down a couple times to handle the wheel:)
In target, I found a keyboard/mouse combo for 15 bucks. My mouse died the other day and I always wanted a keyboard for my laptop, so I thought the deal was pretty good.
We found Charly a book of stickers for a dollar and a little bird house/paint set for a dollar. We gandered at a few other things and made our way out of the store.
Third stop: Oil Change
The van was seriously overdue for an oil change, so I took the plunge and stopped at a place in Benton Harbor. I had been to this one before, but not with the van. Charly and Peyten stayed in their seats and since the guy offered to vacuumed out the van, I went ahead and did some clean up too. Wipes come in handy at this point, because I wiped down the dash and everything with them. Even did the doors. And I put all the extra stuff that was in the van, either in the stow away bins or in the trunk. The other guy working even offered Charly a sucker. They were very nice. We got everything handled and then went over and got our free car wash as well. So, as of right now, the van is lookin pretty decent. No french fries on the floor as of right now;)
Although, as I drove down the road, I starte to do the math and realized the guy had given me the wrong change. He gave me 15 back, instead of 5. Urgh. Me being the honest person that I am ....I had to go back. But, I decided to go back after our stop #4
Fourth stop: Beach
I had told Charly that we were going to have a picnic down by the water. So, as we drove in, she saw the water and said "mom, we're here! Thank you god for this food". I guess she wanted to get the praying business done before we even stopped the van;)
We had a small cooler with some sandwiches and grapes, etc. Charly wasn't too hungry and eventually just wanted to go and play on the big jungle gym. So, we did that for a while too;)
We also got started on painting her little bird house.
It was a bit chilly at first, but turned out to be a rather nice day.
Fifth stop: Oil change place
I went and returned the ten dollars. The two guys that were there before weren't there anymore, but the guy that was thanked me and I was on my way.
Sixth stop: Movie theatre
This was fun, because Charly has never been before. We saw the movie, "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs". It was pretty good. I enjoyed it and Charly got in to it. She stayed awake through the whole movie and only had to have one bathroom break. At this theatre, we get free pop and popcorn. Charly chose some Hi-C fruit punch and opted to have some Mike Ike's in her bucket. Or is it Ike Mike's...I don't know. Anyway, I got my caffeine free diet coke and bucket of popcorn. One trip to the bathroom and we were ready to grab our seats. The theatre was full, but not packed. We were able to grab an isle seat. I had gotten Charly a booster to make sure she could see. She settled in just fine with her bucket on her lap and her drink in the holder. Of course, when she was done with her candy, she had to have some of my popcorn in her bucket;) It was fun watching a movie with Charly. Looking over at her laughing during the funny parts. And Peyten just stayed in my peanut shell and slept the whole time. She didn't fuss at all.
I definitely took a lot of "heart pictures" today.
After the movie we went home and she tried to finish painting her bird house. - which is the picture above.
It was a very good day. I love getting that special time in.